Information technology is the start of September – I survived half-dozen months of lockdown with my parents (or living with parents) and soon it is time to pack back up and head South for Southampton. The heaven is grey, my body tired and hope dwindling—the opposite of what I should be feeling; in fact, the polar opposite. My growing fatigue and pain have controlled the last few months, I take learnt to welcome the haziness that met me in May, tumbled into June, melted into July only to suffocate me by August…

"Hold on, I tin can't think"

Is the most prominent remark I brand, when I forget the word for toaster, kettle or the proper name of my friend I've known for YEARS . As those around me tell me they do not notice, and I am overthinking my momentary lapses or pass it off as 'depression' or 'feet' encephalon fog. Whereas, for me, they are daily. Information technology is the life I have become to know and the one I want to exit behind, desperately.

In less than 4 weeks, I am to commence my Masters (integrated) simply a principal'due south all the same. I accept a few weeks to flit about, before kickoff the final ascent towards an MSci in Archaeology – I tin already see the rocky, treacherous incline up and the sheer driblet either side of me. I still feel I know naught about archeology – I am 100% sure the freshers know more me. I suppose that's the fun part in the game of life – feeling y'all know nada and as well really knowing nada.

I am not sure how I got here you see – I blinked and I had started university, had a breakdown and blinked over again, met the requirements for a First Class BSc in Archaeology. Now, I am risking that grade (every bit I am integrated) to reach my goal of obtaining a masters (with the grass is always greener thoughts about applying elsewhere, nagging at me because I endure from FOMO). I don't quite know how I managed to traverse the treacherous terrain of three years of university, and now I am met with the steepest incline ever.

As the days trickle down to start of fourth year, my self-conviction in my power is dwindling, fifty-fifty with the contradicting evidence of good to first-class past grades. Who is to say I know anything near archæology? Or if I know what archaeology is?

I piece of work as an ambassador for the university which sees me answering questions on unibuddy, writing a blog mail(southward) and during application calling students if they accept whatever concerns. Previously in this role, it was talking to prospective students and but more recently students for the 'transition' university, which needed some additional training. In the training presentation, the speaker commented on the new students possible having a version of 'imposter syndrome' and that 'we may be surprised freshers can feel that way'. I felt sad. I felt similar an 'imposter' feeling 'imposter syndrome'. I was that fresher, I am still that fresher three years downwardly and embarking on a journeying younger me could only dream of. I am still waiting for someone to tell me admissions made a fault, or that I haven't passed the last 3 years.

—-

It's now the finish of September; my brain is the foggiest it'southward been. Bags packed, boxes blimp and maybe the kitchen sink – I'yard physically, not mentally ready to return to Southampton tomorrow. Information technology's time to say bye to the identify, I've always chosen "domicile" once more. The last few years I always leave and never actually come back forever – not this time, it was dissimilar. I've been here for SIX months, regressing slowly back to the teenager who thought I was going to be dead before GCSEs permit alone A-levels, teetering on the edge between life and death. Life changed and it is time for me to, mentally prepare that in less than a calendar week classes start and I will begin, the incline

Merely it's time to go, to say goodbye and grade a new "household". I'm heading back into halls, in a flat with no one I know, every bit my group awarding with my old flatmates didn't come up to fruition including visa woes, deadlines and the unknown due to COVID-xix etc. Who knows how it will go merely with the state of the world, I'grand not as hopeful as maybe I was last twelvemonth, the yr earlier or when I was a fresher.

So, in the words of Michael Scott in the Function Usa…

It's fourth dimension to start the masters.